It was a pressured packed morning trying to get out the door to the airport and checked onto our flight. I had done it hundreds of times throughout my career but this time something was noticeably different.
As we waited to be ticketed I panicked thinking I that I forgotten my divers license. Some of that fear spread through my body as we approached the agent. As I handed my license to the agent..for the first time…I could see and feel my hand visibly shaking; One of the most visible symptoms of Parkinson’s Disease that had not yet surfaced. Even though I had been previously diagnosed it was almost, as it were, an out of body experience…It shocked me. I found myself staring in disbelief at my hands in the midst of the busy bustle of the airport. “That’s not my hand! It has to be fake or it’s an illusion of another person with Parkinson’s Disease.”
Even though my other PD symptoms were increasingly debilitating like my gait/walk shuffling and wobbly balance issues, I hadn’t fully embraced the significance of the disease until that momentary stress-triggered event helped surface the dreaded tremors. They had been lurking…waiting for the right stimulus to make their grand entrance. I had secretly hoped that I might be one of the lucky few that somehow escapes the iconic tremor symptom. I had personally witness many in my past where the shaking hand tremors became severely debilitating over time as the disease progressed and spread. I couldn’t help in that moment picturing my own hands doing the same. Those tremors will most likely be mine in some, not too distant, day. How will I handle it? What will I learn? How can I begin now to better push that fear aside and with faith and place greater trust in God?
With each new small step in decline I am working to better understand the impact on my physical, mental and spiritual wellness. Much of what I chronicle in coming months I might reread down the road with a smirk acknowledging just how little I knew at the time. So, for those who have lived this incredulous disease I will knowingly share what I feel albeit realizing fully that it is with a narrow and naive view taken from today’s pint-sized view of understanding.
Now with a diagnosis in hand I am working towards the acceptance phase of the journey where I hope to more fully embrace the path that the disease will travel. Evidence from research suggests that we become more prone to find peace and purpose along the journey when we accept the anticipated sharp turns and bumps that will surely come our way. Coming to an acceptance mindset isn’t a one time event. It’s something we strive to attain yet we are fully aware that we’ll unlikely remain firmly and steadfastly planted in the acceptance phase once we have arrived. So much of the grief cycle is in full effect in my life right now after losing what I once thought was a well planned beautiful future. Obviously, this isn’t what I had in mind. I know that God could absolutely intervene and take it away but today I will work to trust Him and His plan. My faith is stronger than the fear that besets me on occasion. This refining fire will bless me as I fully and completely turn my will over to align with His.
During the Vietnam War several thousand American servicemen were captured by the North Vietnamese and taken as prisoners of war. They were held in tiny cells where they were tortured, beaten and starved. Some were kept for years in solitary confinement. At the end of the war, only 591 returned home. James Stockdale was one of those survivors. He later became a professor and University President as well as a Vice-Presidential candidate in the 1992 national election. As a Vice Admiral in the Navy he became the highest ranked officer ever held captive in Vietnam. He spent over seven years being brutally tortured with no idea of when he would go home again. He attributed his survival to an ability to blend pragmatism with an unwavering hope for the future. It's what is now called the Stockdale Paradox.
The Stockdale Paradox summary;
You must retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties.
AND at the same time…
You must confront the brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be. (Pragmatism)
We all need hope. But not false hope. We can’t totally deny what is happening to make it easier to cope. Because when we delude ourselves we stop being able to separate fantasy from reality. We are, in essence, optimistically wishing for a desired outcome that may not align with our own ambitious agenda.
That’s the very premise of Stockdale’s theory: Ones who possessed only optimistic thoughts died as they faced prolonged oppression. As they woke each morning in a cramped sweltering cell—months or years after they were certain it would all be over, shattered their endurance and ultimately their will to live. Stockdale said; “I think they all died of a broken heart.”The pragmatists maintained the faith they would prevail in the end, but they didn’t confuse fantasy and reality. Stockdale observed only the pragmatists had “the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of their current reality.”
He also observed a consistent thread among survivors; they possessed a belief system in a higher power. Regardless of religious affiliation they turned to a source greater than their own. For us, we recognize it as faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and we embrace the truth that is the only foundation upon which we can build sustainability to cope during lasting trials. Grace, the enabling and healing power through Jesus Christ’s atonement, has the power to heal our wounds and strengthen our feeble knees. It can also sustain hope that can heal our oppressed and shattered lives.
To better cope in coming years as my personal health is projected to decline it is paramount that I learn to accept the reality of my diagnosis. It’s not a negative or pessimistic view but simply a pragmatic understanding of the future course of my life. I must trust God and his plan and willingly submit to His outcome and then live to find joy in each moment of each day allotted me.
Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf said;
“No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you, with an infinite love. …
“The love of God is redemptive and saving. If you will only allow His divine love into your life, it can dress any wound, heal any hurt, and soften any sorrow.”
“This is a paradox of man: compared to God, man is nothing; yet we are everything to God. While against the backdrop of infinite creation we may appear to be nothing, we have a spark of eternal fire burning within our breast. …
“The Lord doesn’t care at all if we spend our days working in marble halls or stable stalls. He knows where we are, no matter how humble our circumstances. He will use—in His own way and for His holy purposes—those who incline their hearts to Him. …
“God sees you not only as a mortal being on a small planet who lives for a brief season—He sees you as His child. He sees you as the being you are capable and designed to become. He wants you to know that you matter to Him.”
Elder Boyd K Packer:
As the body begins to fail, revelation will be augmented and magnified... “The matter of physical health is a losing battle. You know, no matter what you do to take care of your body, in due course, it begins to weaken! We are not going to live forever in this life. We can live with our infirmities... When your body begins to deteriorate, the patterns of revelation will be augmented and magnified.” - “The Instrument of Your Mind and the Foundation of Your Character”, BYU Devotional, BYU Speeches, 2003
With each step in physical decline I am working to supplant the growing time gaps where physical activity once reined. My hope is to fill that void with a focus on activities that draw me closer to Christ; Where I once worked the land or ran the mountainous trails I will now spend that time in the temple, writing family histories or trying to spend better quality time with family. Celebrating the joy of our 14th grandchld, (our son and daugther in law's miracle after 2 miscarages and 3 IVFs), that is true JOY. Where once I mended fences and traversed adventurous ATV trails I now travel with Liz to take advantage of the diminishing sacred moments of declining health. It’s a bit sobering to consider that I will likely feel better in the short term than at any other time in my remaining weeks in mortality. Each day now is somehow more precious. A 24 hour span today seems more precious that the same period a few weeks ago before know my medical prognosis. It saddens me as I now question why I hadn’t taken personal inventory of my priorities more often along my sixty-five year span of life so far. Could mid-flight course corrections during that time have helped me become more spiritually grounded especially in my younger years? We know that “Man is that he might have joy” therefore, scrubbing every joyous personal pleasure away isn’t God’s intent either. Yet, if I were to be given a second chance at life I hope that I would continuously work in a more intentional way to find balance. Often the pressures and stresses that are thrust upon us to succeed in mortality determines the direction and priorities we take upon ourselves. Are we intentional enough in forging our best paths that God desires us to follow? Or is our destiny being blown about like dandelion seeds in the wind from whence the gusts of mortality are most acute in the moment? I’m certain that somewhere in the back of each of our minds we embrace the idea that this life will one day end…but at least for me it took the wake-up call of a scary diagnosis to truly internalize the finite and fragile nature of this earthly probational time. It’s so easy to roll off the tongue…that death is just a part of living until there is a potential timeline associated with our names attached. It’s my prayer that as I discover new insights during these coming weeks and years that it might stir the soul to consider how we better align our will with the will of the Father. It’s in that alignment where the sweet spot of joy is most abundantly found. Lastly, my joy in life thus far has been much about doing, producing, building. I’ve found in recent months that my mind didn’t fully engage when surrounded with momentary joy opportunities. My brain has been elsewhere contemplating my next project and how quickly I could skirt throw these less productive moments to get on with a more fulfilling priorities. This morning Liz and I walked a beach path we have done hundreds of times. A place she finds immense joy watching the sun rise. The times I’ve done it with her I had a list of items I “needed” to complete at the house. Today, likely because I’ve been forced into this new reality I, too, was overwhelmed peace that the ocean, quiet wind and rising sun brought. The flowers, the birds and the sound of lapping waves I hadn’t observed or felt as deeply before yet they have been there the entire time. God’s creations and his whisperings were always there but today I could feel them in more peaceful abundance. It’s time that we all slow down on occasion and not wait until we’re compelled to do so. I heard a temple President share with me once in his office that he wished the patrons could slow down and worship more intently in the House of the Lord. He then made a statement I will never forget. “You can’t ‘worship’ in a hurry”. Can we find joy in a hurry? God bless you until next time Please share your thoughts, insights and recommendations @ my email address. 
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